


How Long Is Too Long?

by Arizona96



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mention Of The Doctor, Mention of Ianto Jones, Mention of Rose Tyler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-19 23:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19982296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arizona96/pseuds/Arizona96
Summary: Captain Jack Harkness has lived for a very long time but never has it seemed so long when Ianto Jones dies and he begins to contemplate just how long he's lived and how much longer he has to live.





	How Long Is Too Long?

Too long. The Doctor always said he thought Time Lords lived too long, and I could never understand what he meant by that at first. Not until after I died. The first thousand times. I always thought my head empty until I met Rose and the Doctor. And then it began to fill with memories of them and us and a wide, suddenly wonderful, universe. Until the rug was pulled out from under me. The darkness I thought was all encompassing was yanked away and the light returned. Harsh. Bright. Lonely. Suddenly my head felt too full, too crowded. So, I kept going, trying to understand why and what I was. Every death was painful, but every rebirth was EXCRUCIATING!!!! I thought then that I understood the Doctor's words. He's lived so long and "died" and regenerated, surely this is what he means. Than the first death came. My first companion. Then the second. Third. Seventh. Twentieth. When I stopped counting them is when I realized how wrong I was. It was also when I stopped seeing people. Romantically at least. Until him. Ianto. I don't know how but this boy, this man.......this man with his immaculate suits, and his deep welsh voice, and his dry witty humor, and his beautiful blue eyes that were too old for his face; was able to open me up. In ways I hadn't been for centuries. He was so young, even by earth standards and yet......he could understand me. Understand me as much as I would allow him to. He could understand me to the point where he could stand by me through almost anything. To protect me. 

To love me.

I clench my fists tightly, drawing myself out of my thoughts as I see Rhys and Gwen heading up the hill towards me. I give a small, sad smile at her very round stomach. But it only reminds me of Alice. Of when she realized that she was pregnant, she ran from me. To protect her child. 'She should have ran farther,' I think bitterly.

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Gwen has finally begun to realize that I mean to leave. And I'm not coming back. I want to escape this world and all of it's memories. All of it's ghosts. Gwen begins to plead with me not to leave. She wants me to stay for her. Still. "But they died, and I am sorry Jack. But you cannot just run away. You cannot run away." Her words sting. And I see for the first time that she has never gotten me. Not in the way Ianto does....did. She, who can love both me and Rhys together equally, cannot see that I can't do that. I've loved her but not in the way she has always wanted me too. It physically hurts when she dismisses all of their deaths, like they don't matter just because she is still here. She thinks that she can make it better if I just stay. But staying is worse than dying. I press the button to leave, saying just before I disappear; "Oh, yes I can. Just watch me." Then she's gone and I'm flying back to the stars. They're just as cold and lonely as they were before the Doctor helped breathe life into them. This is what he meant....about living too long. And for a moment I hate him for teaching it to me. But it was never the Doctor's fault. It's not even Rose's. It's no one's fault but my own. I've lived for far too long.

And I always will.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I posed something and this came to me while I was reading a book, it wasn't even about Torchwood but it just reminded me of the doomed love between Jack and Ianto. I've never been able to write happy, but I can always do sad angst-y stuff, so if you're looking for happy you've come to the wrong place. Please enjoy and constructive criticism always appreciated!!!


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